Everyone Has A Secret...

Today I bought pretty shoes :D



I think I love them. I also bought Tideland on DVD because I've wanted to see it since like... forever ago. Anyone seen it? Is it good?

I'm feeling slightly more optimistic today... maybe it's the shoes idk.
I'm moving the last of my stuff tomorrow so yay! 
I'm still waiting for askheychris  to answer my question... he'd better make it good.
I preordered a signed copy of the new Midlake album, shipping from the states and it still worked out cheaper than buying it here...go figure...
I'm all out of useless nuggets of information to list... I just wanted you to see the shoes really...

Icon meme: Comment and I'll pick 3 of your icons, then you can explain why you love/are using the icon (who doesn't love talking about their icons, seriously) and then post your explanation and this meme in your journal for other people to squee about their icons.

onsafety  chose:

  


Firstly well done Lina for the choices xD

1) Alice in Wonderland ♥ My favourite Disney movie. I absolutely love that film. It's just so trippy and insane and we all know I love the crazy shit. I'm ashamed to say I dont own the books which makes me sad because I should have them but I really want  a good vintage edition of it and I need to find one that wont break my bankbalance and is worth it. I found this icon on iiicons  who I believe is now kiissable_icons but that's not really the point. The point is I love the film. And I love this shot. It sort of represents a lot of the things I write about in this journal, how I often feel lost and confused about where to go. I do a lot of running away too. So all round I found it appropriate. Plus it looks pretty :D

2) CHARDY ♥ You may or may not know my love for French tennis boys... well Jeremy Chardy is one of those loves. Ok ok so he's not a super awesome amazing player, sure he's no Fed, but you know, he's got potential and I would love to see him go far. Plus.... look at him. Damn he's hot xP I would love to give him a sweaty, just-off-court "cuddle". Lol. Plus he's one of my French boys and I love them all. Wimbly this year... French flag? Hmmm.
3) Boris Becker ♥ ♥ Seriously. Laugh all you like but I adore this man. A tennis legend. An all round awesome guy, not only did he play fantastic tennis (I mean come on look at that serve) but he had/still has a brilliant personality. He's funny and excitable and emotional and generally a pretty honest guy. He's not just a tennis player but a celebrity which tbh I think is really important to tennis because let's face it, it's not the most popular sport. He is easily the most entertaining commentator, most of them are pretty damn annoying (Henman I'm looking at you.). Plus have you seen this?  hahaha brilliant xD

What bothers me when I think of you now is the way I had you all wrong. I thought you understood me. Not many people do, but I thought you really got me. I thought you understood who I am, what I'm about, what makes me tick. But I was mistaken. Now I see that you don't really have a clue. You don't know me at all. I had you up on this pedestal where you were my everything. There were days where you were my only reason to get up in the morning. The only thing that could make me smile after a hard day. The only thought that could make me comforted enough to fall asleep was the thought that you were there for me and you were wonderful. I miss that. Now I don't want to get up in the morning, nothing makes me smile (at least not with my eyes) and nothing can help me fall asleep safely and soundly. If you aren't the one to be my everything then who is? Because I damn sure can't get by on my own. I need someone to idolise, to adore, to give me purpose. Before I could look to people I didn't even know, now I've felt the real thing, I've hugged my idol and looked him in the eyes and nothing else will do. I know you think I'm insane and you're probably right but that's the way I feel. I gave you my heart and soul and you just handed them back, crushed. I don't blame you but I don't think you quite understand how much that hurt. I don't think you know what you've done. I don't know how to regain what I feel I have lost. 

Hey. How are things?
I am pretty damn fed up with life. I feel really.... lost. Moving helped in one way because I'm away from all the negativity there and I like where I'm living more. But on the other hand I feel really... displaced, if that even makes sense. Like I don't really have a home. Doesn't help that half my stuff is still in my flat. I have to be out by saturday and I'm starting to worry about how it's going to get done. Most of my friends don't have cars and those that do... well you know. I had to tell my parents I've moved everything because they were doing my head in going on and on about it. Which makes things more complicated. I'm just so tired all the time at the moment. I've lost all motivation to do anything. I don't want to go back to uni. I don't care about it. I really don't. I don't know what I'm going to do with my degree. Everything I think I might want to do is either so competitive that I don't think it's realistic to think that I'll be able to get into it or I just don't think I could handle it. I haven't heard from any of the placements I've applied to and I'm worried nobody will want me. My CV is pretty damn shit. I have absolutely no useful experience, I've done nothing to make me stand out and I really feel lost. I just don't know what I'm doing. The last pieces of work I handed in, I got pretty lame marks for, I mean they aren't terrible but they've gone down and I really did try hard. It really really sucks. I don't want to go to work come weekends. I'm terrible at my job. I can't sell anything and I feel so down when I'm there and the people I work with step in to make sales for me. It makes me feel completely useless. 
I am seriously in a foul mood. Even the dog has gone off and left me. I should probably go find her because I need to let her out to pee. I'm sure she'll come back when she needs to go out.

But lets try and be positive. Things I am happy about?:

1) My newly learned skillz at rolling my own cigarettes which shall save me monies.
2) It being the 6th anniversary of askheychris  which means his yearly "ask me anything and I will answer" post which is always interesting and entertaining.
3) The new Midlake album which I still love. The prospect of a new Empires album very soon.
4) The fact that Hewitt is out of the Aussie Open and Roddick is still in. Oh and BobMike kicking ass as always.
5) Going to see Midlake soooooon and Kelly Clarkson xD and then Stereophonics in June.
... I think that's about all... I've run out. 

So now I shall see if Megavideo will allow me to watch more Scrubs. Because Dr Cox makes me happy. Yeah put him at number 6.

♥

LJ, tomorrow you and I must have words.

Yesterday was eventful. We went house hunting for september and came away with a house... which is crazy, we just started looking and found something perfect for us and just paid the deposit there and then... it seemed so casual, so easy... But I'm excited because it's a great house and I think we're gunna have a good time living in it. 
Then we went out last night for Pegg's birthday. I was really looking forward to it. But somehow I ended up really drunk and really upset. I had a really really good night until some little thing upset me and then it just snowballed into me being really really upset and crying. And then I sort of ended up telling people things I usually dont share. Things about how I feel about myself and how insecure I am. And yeah... Although he's being lovely about it because he's an awesome friend. So I spent most of today in bed. I woke up still drunk and feeling horrendous about the state I was in last night and also had the worst period pains ever. So I stayed tucked up in the warm. 
My friends are going to metros tonight and I sort of want to go but I know that a) I cant afford it and b) I have to get up for work in the morning and I'm going to struggle as it is. *sighs* 
I'm looking forward to the Aussie Open. My life is sad without a bit of tennis drama. I'm also looking forward to the gigs I have coming up. I'm going to see Kelly Clarkson with my family because I'm a geek like that hahahaha and I'm also going to see Midlake in Bristol and I am SOOOO EXCITED. If you've never listened to them then I suggest you click here because their album The Trials Of Van Occupanther is one of my all time favourites and their new album which has just leaked is fantastic. 
Hope all is well flisters. 
I'm off to find some food
x

 I am feeling so down right now. I signed the new contract for my house over a week ago now and I want to move out. I've packed up all my stuff. Moving is so stressful and I want to get out and get this over with but I can't move because I don't have a car. My friends promised to help me but so far I'm getting nowhere. Now I'm really annoyed because my family offered to come and help and I said no because I have awesome friends who will help and now I feel stupid because this would be over by now if I'd said yes to them. The thing is I can't complain about them being so nonchalant about it because they're doing me a massive favour by helping at all. I've got no right to moan... but I'm so stressed and so fed I need to get out of here. AHH. Also I'm fed up of people not understanding me at all. Have you ever had those moments where you realise the person you thought was an incredible friend actually doesnt have a clue who you are or what's important to you. 
I dunno. I'm just feeling so sorry for myself. I'm lonely and stressed out and I don't know what to do.

How could I resist? http://www.formspring.me/iamlooby
:D I have to sign up to every crappy new fad website that comes along. Its how I amuse myself...

Can somebody restore my faith in humanity please?
I've had enough now. I'm tired and lonely and just so fed up.

So... hey! No I'm not dead I just haven't any interwebz for like... 2 months. Damn that's a long time, I have missed it. I really have. Now it's back I'm finding it rather difficult to get used to all the stuff I used to manage to keep up with. A lot has happened since I last posted. I don't know where to start really. I'll try and sum things up in short:

• Second year stuff is going really well. I'm actually enjoying the work a lot more, even though it's harder and more stressful, I do actually like what I'm doing which is awesome. I've done pretty well on everything I've handed in so far too which is good. I got a first for my first essay of the year which made me soooo happy. Hopefully I can keep doing well.
• I have decided to do a placement next year, I'm gunna stay in Cardiff though and live with the boys which will be awesome. Hopefully I'll get a good placement, they're all clinical placements, mostly in hospitals so should be really really interesting.
• Me and Dave are still friends. I'm still not over whatever it is I feel for him but I feel like I'm making progress in realising that I'm ok with the way things are and I can find someone else, or not, I'm ok how I am right now.
• I went to see Rise Against at the student union a couple of weeks ago and they were awesome. Like seriously soooo good. I loved it. Tim McIlrath is awesome.
• I suppose the biggest thing in my life right now which is... well ridiculous is my flatmate. She has stopped speaking to me. It was my birthday, almost a month ago now. The boys arranged a quiet party/gathering at their house for me which was perfect because I dont like much of a fuss and I was really looking forward to it. My flatmate turned up at this party two hours late, slightly drunk and basically humiliated me infront of everyone I care about. She was rude and obnoxious to all my friends. Got progressively more and more drunk and basically made me feel horrible. She refused to admit she had done anything wrong and couldn;t understand why I was upset and annoyed. From then things just went from bad to worse. She started treating me and everyone else like shit until finally she snapped and began completely ignoring me. She separated all of our things in the flat because "whats mine is mine and what's yours is yours" so I am no longer allowed to touch anything that is "hers". All this is because apparently I was ignoring her and stopped inviting her out which just completely baffles me. Things are beyond ridiculous. She cannot see that everyone knows she is the one in the wrong because I literally haven't done a thing wrong and I have tried to apologise if I have done something without realising. But she's having none of it, so now we dont speak at all. Its not the best of living situations but I have realised that she never really gave a shit about me or my feelings and I'm better off without a "friend" like that. And I'm closer than ever to my real friends who have supported me and helped when she's treated me like shit and upset me.
• I hope all is well with my f'list :) damn it's good to be back :D

LJ I miss you :(

For anyone who cares...
I text Dave wednesday night asking if he was free thursday because I needed to talk to him. After establishing I was fine he told me he knew what it was about. He then told me he was really sorry but it couldnt happen. I put down my phone in shock. And curled up in bed to sleep. Thursday I woke up, packed my bags and left for Cardiff. And that's when it hit me. He had turned me down. It was over. I couldnt be with the only guy i've ever truely loved. I held it together until I was on the coach and he text me to ask if I was ok. I told him that no I wasnt ok. And he apologised some more and told me how he couldnt handle a relationship right now and it would only end in one of us getting hurt and how he appreciated it took a lot of courage for me to say something and he didnt want it to change anything and he loved me. And I cried. I cried for the first hour of the journey. Then I slept for an hour and then cried some more.
I never ever could have imagined how much it would hurt. I am completely heartbroken. I don't know what to do.
I went to see his new house today. I was so nervous. But he didnt make it awkward at all. He acted as though nothing had happened. We couldnt talk about it because there were other people around. But I spent the whole night horribly aware of the fact he knew how I felt and I couldnt do anything about it. Its like... he knows I love him and it doesnt change anything... he still feels nothing for me... well... not in the way I want him to.
I dont know what happens from here. I hope I can get over it and move on. I just dont know how to do that.

Hear that noise? That was the sound of my heart breaking.

Since I made the decision to confess my love, (next thursday is the day, in case you were wondering) my nerves have taken a serious hit. I haven't been this emotionally stressed in a long time. I've had a couple of panic attacks. I'm having headaches, nightmares, I can't sleep, I feel sick all the time... I just feel like I'm falling to pieces. Which means I absolutely have to do this now. I can't not. I've put myself through this build up and I have to just get it over with because I can't go through this again. Rejection will suck, a lot, but at least my mind will be able to rest... maybe.

I think I'm sick. I've been feeling really run down and tired. Wednesday night we went to metros (as always), I met a guy (ooo!) We got talking outside and he was really nice. He then bought me a drink and we danced and there was some kissing. And then suddenly I felt ill and had to run off to throw up... attractive... I know. Thing was I hadn't drunk a lot, I was barely tipsy. And I threw up what I believe was a lot of blood which scared me quite a bit. All I wanted to do was get out of there. I was confused from the kissing, Dave text me and I stupidly felt guilty... I know... don't ask. I was upset for my friend because he just cant get over this girl who is clearly not good for him and he was going home with her. So we left. Now I wish I'd gone back and apologised to that guy and maybe got his number or something, he seemed genuinely really nice and I don't know what I'm doing about the Dave situation. I had it so sure in my mind that I was going to tell him but I keep having doubts and I fear that I'll never actually get the guts to do it. Eh. Whatever.
Last night I went to O'Neill's with Pegg, Indie, Pete and Josh. Joe just got a job there so we went to say hey. There was this irish folk band playing and middle aged men roped me into dancing with them =/ It was... interesting. I had two drinks and felt really really ill again. When we left I decided it was best I went straight home, especially as I had work this morning. It was a good night though. It's good having people come back to Cardiff, I've missed them all.
I was really dreading work this weekend, what with feeling so ill and pretty down I just wanted to stay in bed, but I have to say it's been good for me. Takes my mind off things and I actually quite enjoy it. I feel much more confident than I ever did working at Samuels. In Crouch they actually treat me like every other member of staff rather than a baby and I've learnt a lot. I still can't deal with difficult customers though. A couple today made me cry. They spoke to me like I was so stupid. And then went and spoke to my assistant manager who pretty much told them what I had told them, there was one mistake in what I had told them and that was only me passing on information somebody else had given to me so it wasn't even my mistake. And they still made me feel so stupid and were so rude. I really really wanted Lynne to defend me but she just said "oh Im sorry she's new..." and made excuses, I know it was because she didnt want to lose the sale but still I really wanted her to stick up for me and tell them that what I had told them was right and I had done everything I should have done. Never mind, it was outweighed by the number of really nice customers I've had today and the amount of commission I've earned myself :D
I think I might go to bed now. I really am knackered. Sleep is definately required.
Goodnight my lovelies.

 

I love him :)

It's been a bloody long time. Sorry about that. I've been a really really lazy bitch recently. Nothing overly exciting has happened to me since I last posted so I shall summarise...

I went to Manchester to see Dave, the boy is fucking rich! His house is like.... 5 times the size of mine. What the hell?! I can't believe I didn't know this! It was a really good few days, we had a fantastically drunken night out which is always good and then just lots of nice hanging out, chatting and stuff. I had a really nice time. So that was cool.

I've been doing a lot of going back and forth from home. Me and Squid went to Thorpe Park. That was wicked. Then I brought Stef back to Cardiff with me for a few days which was awesome because none of my friends from home had been to visit me before. Dave came down to Cardiff early to meet her which was really sweet. So me, Stef, Dave, Joe, Indie and Matt had a brilliantly drunken night at metros. It was a really really good night. I was trashed.
I may have cried on Dave which was embarrassing... Me and Stef were chatting about guys in the toilets and she told me she had said to Dave "oh why don't you go out with Lauren? It might be fun!" and his response was "I couldn't do that, she's my best friend." Now initially this made me the happiest person in the world. I had this massive grin. It really does mean the world to me that he would think that much of me. That he would consider me to be his best friend. But then when we got back in the club and I looked at him and thought about it I realised that I had pretty much been rejected without even having to tell him how I feel. That is exactly the response I was afraid he would have if I told him I liked him. So I burst into tears... he took me outside and held me while I cried and tried to get me to tell him what was wrong. And I really really wanted to tell him but I was so very drunk I couldnt even talk. I physically couldn't find the right words to explain what was going on. So I just slurred "I love you..." at him and then managed to say "I'm fine... lets get a drink." And we went back inside. All quite humiliating really...

It was really nice to just hang out with Stef in general. I haven't really seen any of my friends from home this summer which kind of makes me sad :( 

Other than that, not a lot has happened really. All the drama in my life seems to revolve around Dave which is really quite sad. He's been in Cardiff a lot over the past couple of weeks. He stayed at mine a couple of times which was nice. I dyed his hair again, black this time. It looks nice, I like it. It was like torture though. Bearing in mind I had consumed a bottle of wine and was feeling a little over emotional . After I had put the dye on his hair I realised I had got a lot on the back of his neck so I had to wash it off for him. I had to stand there with him topless, gently washing the back of his neck. I could have cried. I managed to control myself though.

Speaking of hair I dont know what to do with mine. I want to do something really exciting but I don't think it'll go down well with work. So I need to be careful. If anyone has any suggestions feel free to share. Me and Dave were watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and he said I should dye it blue but I think work would go mental. Which sucks because I kind of want to. But I want to dye it orange even more. Maybe if I do something extreme I could get a wig!? Hmm.... I think I'm taking this too far. 

Anyway... tonight Joe starts his new job at O'Neils so me and Indie are going to prop up the bar. Although I think Indie is trying to worm his way out of it because he's a lazy bastard. I may have to force him. Now I must shower because I'm pretty gross atm. 

If I think of anything I have forgotten to mention, I'll be back :) 

This month is going to be insane, it's started off that way anyway... My fish did die :( It broke my heart and I hate that the empty tank is just sitting there in the corner looking at me. It's awful. I feel so bad I force myself not to think about them.
It's been sooo good to see uni people this week, Joe and Matt have moved into their new house and Indie and Andy came down to move in some stuff as they live in Wales anyway. And then Josh and Mackers have been around this week just to hang out really. It has been really really good. I've spent every night at the boys house just completely stoned. I've been high practically all week which is bad, I know but it's been so much fun, I've just been so chilled. Now I've very much come down as Josh has gone home with what little weed he has left. And I must say I have felt lame today. But never mind it was worth it.
Now I literally cannot wait until monday, I'm going up to Manchester to visit Dave and I just cannot wait to see him. I love and miss him so much. He's promised me cuddles which I cannot wait for :D He's just amazing and I know we'll have a good time. Just seeing him will make me happy so it can't really go too wrong.
There's an Irish guy in the flat opposite who is FIT. Like actually breathtakingly sexy. I dont even know what it is about him, he's not the kind of guy I would generally go for but omg he is amazing. I've only seen him twice. Yesterday he was on his balcony reading as I went out and he looked up as I walked past and said "hey" and I literally melted. Oh he's beautiful. Fairly sure he has a girlfriend though, not that I would have the guts to try it anyway. Never mind, I can look :D
It's 03.16am and I dont know that I can sleep yet. I've literally become nocturnal. It's very unhealthy and work on saturday is going to kill me, especially as I'm in a shop I don't know. Ergh effort. Sunday I'm getting the coach to London early and going straight down to my dad's to see him for a bit, should be good, I haven't seen him in aaaaaages. I will be knackered though. Especially with travelling monday as well. Hmmm. On that note, I am going to find something to eat, maybe read a bit and then try and get some sleep ♥

Well my journal just gets more and more fucking depressing. So don't read this if you want to be happy. Just a little heads up there.

I feel horrendous. I'm lonely and lovesick and just feel horrible about myself. I was supposed to be getting healthy but I just can't do it. Dave made me give up painkillers and I've got headaches all the time and I can't sleep. And now? The straw that broke the camels back? My fish are sick and I'm worried they're going to die. And I know you're gunna say, they're just goldfish, it's not a big deal. But it is to me. It really really is. I love goldfish, I've always had them since I was a kid and I love to just watch them swimming about. And yeah I talk to them and I'm insane but I feel like it's a bit of company.
These are the first time I've had my very own tank and my own fish since I moved out and I've failed completely. I've had them... what... two weeks and they're dying. I don't understand what I've done wrong. Why can't I get anything right? I've tried giving them a salt bath, and i've put aloe vera stuff in the tank and I've used methyl blue to kill parasites and fungus and poor little Roscoe just seems to be getting worse. It's so stupid but I just keep crying. It's about what the fish stand for. It's about me having something to love and care for and I've fucked it up. I don't know what I'm going to do if I wake up in the morning and any of them have died. I will be devastated. And I have to go to work. Tomorrow was supposed to be a fantastic day and I'm so gutted. I just want things to go right for once.