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Dec. 1st, 2011


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Jun. 11th, 2010


And here I shall remain.

Good evening dearests,
After much consideration (including half an hour debating usernames) I have decided not to make a new journal and shall instead remain where I am. I am, however, going to make a serious effort to try and be more interesting and more frequent in my updating :D 
So here goes.

I had exams for the last month. Second year exams suck because even though I know they count towards my degree I still couldn't make myself find them important and it's a well known fact that I really am not good at revising. I seriously lack the concentration skills and self discipline required to deal with it. So I didn't do half as much as I should have and I feel guilty now with people saying to me "oh you deserve this, you've had exams, you've worked hard..." Because really I spent a lot of time watching Lost and playing Pokemon. But then if I tell people this they think I'm being modest about how hard I've worked, that I'm trying not to sound like a massive geek or something. So I can't win either way really. 

Now they are over I'm chillaxing before the stress of travelling back and forth from London to Cardiff for 3 months begins. Yay! Indie and Ravi both had birthdays in the exam period so last night they had a party to celebrate. I chilled hard. I got pretty fucking high and it was pretty fucking awesome. Seriously good party. Hung out with the uni halls lot like it was old times, haven't done it in too long. 

Little bit of an insight into what my life will be again come september when I live with them. I can honestly say it will be exciting. 

Now I feel I should do something productive with my evening because I had a super long lie-in and haven't really done anything... but I don't know what... oh well... 

Love <3

May. 16th, 2010


Time for change?

Jeeeez. Livejournal. It's been a while. I've missed you. I haven't updated because I havent had much to say really. I'm really happy in my new house. I'm really happy with... well almost everything in my life. I sort of want to leave this journal behind me. There's too much sadness here. I think I might start a new account. A fresh new journal. I need somes ideas though. I want some kind of structure to it to keep it interesting. My posts here have become... boring. I am aware of this. 
I apologise lovelies. 

Anyway I shall continue to ramble here for now. 

I've got exams atm. This is seriously a pain. I hate exam time. I cannot revise. I just dont know how to do it. I don't have the motivation to make myself work. So far I've done alright considering this, we'll see how things turn out this time around. 

I'm going to contemplate this new journal business some more and get back to you.

Mar. 31st, 2010


People do change.

I've realised something spending time with home friends yesterday. I don't really fit in with them anymore... maybe I never did but now I realise it. I was with two of my friends and I found I was censoring myself. I was holding back on things I wanted to say because I didn't think they would approve. I felt I couldn't talk about things that had been happening in Cardiff because they would judge me for them. The things I did divulge made me feel awkward, like I shouldn't be telling them. It was really quite strange. Nothing changes, they're still my friends and I still love them to bits but I understand now why we've drifted apart somewhat, why we're not as close as I had wanted us to be, because we're all living very different lives and we don't quite understand each others worlds. 

Mar. 29th, 2010


(no subject)

I've been longing to come home for a week or so because I was feeling pretty lost and pretty down. Now I've been home for a week I've realised that running away from my problems is not helping. I'm feeling very... introspective. I'm so unhappy a lot of the time but I'm not doing anything about it. I kid myself it's because I don't know how. Maybe it's because I'm a masochist and I actually enjoy the pain. I don't know, I need something to motivate me. I need someone or something to get me off my arse and make me do something. I need a reason to fix things. 

Mar. 17th, 2010


(no subject)

I have fought through depression and self harm. I've had my family torn apart, I've watched my friends suffer physical and emotional pain. I've had "friends" toss me aside like I mean nothing, I've abused myself, I've been abused by the people around me. I've been bullied and broken and tortured. But nothing, nothing in the world hurts as much as this. I thought I was over it. I thought I could move on and be ok. But I'm not and I can't. 
I always thought I would fall in love and the world would be peachy and beautiful. I couldn't have been more wrong. I never thought, what if they don't love me back? People have said to me, it can't be real love if they don't love you back but I think that's bullshit. Of course it can. I would walk through fire for him. I would give up everything I have for a moment with him. I literally want nothing else. How can this hurt so bad? How can life be so unfair? I don't believe there is a God and if there is I hate him for doing this to me. You can tell me this is just him testing me. But how far can he push me? I can't take this anymore. How many times does he want to test me and see me crumble? I can't deal with this. I just want to disappear. 

Mar. 5th, 2010



I'm  gunna write about this because it's a big thing that I would like to have a record of whilst I remember it well but if you're gunna read this please, please spare me the lecture because I know this isn't something to be proud of and I'm not writing this advocating anything. Trust me I've heard from friends already.

Last night I had my first class A drugs experience. You may or may not know that I smoke weed, fairly regularly, but up until last night that was all I had done.

My housemate's friends came to visit and stay the night. At one point they came into my room and asked how I felt about drugs. I was confused and they explained that they had some cocaine and they wanted to check I didn't mind them doing it in the house. I said sure, because I don't mind what other people do is up to them. Anyway we got talking about it and they asked if I wanted some. I had a long think and a chat with my housemate who basically explained all the effects good and potentially bad and reassured me there was no pressure if I didn't want to. In the end I decided I wanted to try a little bit because I was curious but kind of scared. So I did. And not a lot happened, it just felt... sort of... nice. It's very hard to explain. I was expecting something earth-shatteringly drastic to happen as soon as I touched it but it was a very subtle change. I just felt...happier really. Calmer, less self-concious, more comfortable. So I did some more and had a good night.

I felt fine this morning, it's crazy really, if I'd been drinking I would have felt like shit but a class A drug and I felt perfectly normal. Although my nose did run excessively all the way to uni... 
I've told a few people and it's strange to see how they react. Some I thought would freak out and they were fine with it and those I thought would be a little worried but ok went mental at me. I don't see it as a major thing really, I felt completely in control of what I was doing and if I'd felt things were going wrong or if I'd felt it was starting to affect me badly I would have stopped straight away. 
As I said before the effect wasn't massive, I felt almost normal and I'm in no rush to do it again. I won't say never but I certainly won't be buying any. It's most definately far too expensive and overrated. 

But yeah... there we go, the most illegal thing I've ever done. Quite an experience really, something I never thought I would do. But then again I'm the kind of person who wants to try things. I get curious. It's how I ended up smoking cigarettes and how I ended up trying weed so it's not all too suprising. Just cocaine never crossed my mind as a drug I would come across and want to do. I always thought maybe LSD, shrooms... something like that, I know people who dabble with that kind of thing but hey, life surprises you. 
So, as I said before I'm not condoning drugs, I'm not saying its a good thing to go out and do drugs. I'm saying I decided to try something because I felt it would benefit me and I did it. I am glad I did, I feel like I understand more what it's about, it's not about rich girls in bathrooms at parties or filthy addicts in backalleys there's a lot more to it. And some of the people who take it are really nice, really kind, really interesting, intelligent people who made a bad choice or who just like to let go sometimes, and I think that's good for them.

I also feel good because I've been feeling really stagnant lately. Like my life is the same thing day in, day out, I don't take risks I don't do anything I want to do, everything's about everyone else. But this was pure selfish, reckless indulgence, not that I'm saying it's a good thing to do if you want to liven up your life. In my case, it came at a time when I needed something to shake me up a bit and make me think about who I am and what I do and what I want to do. 

Anyway. I have to get up in the morning so I'm off to sleep. Feel free to leave me a comment, tell me what you think about drugs, tell me about your experiences, I'd like to know. Just please spare me the "I'm so disappointed in you, you're a terrible person, you should know better" speech. I've heard it, I've taken it in and I'm moving on. 

Feb. 28th, 2010


(no subject)

I am so tired. I dunno what's wrong with me. I can't stop yawning. I think I might actually have an early night for once in my life. Once I get bored of playing Robot Unicorn Attack (Google it.. most awesome flash game ever.). Work was a bitch this week but I actually enjoyed it =S 
Also I have what can only be described as a crush o_o I feel like I'm about 13 just saying that but it's true. I'm not mentioning names because I am not going to discuss this with anyone I know and I don't want anyone to know who it is. At least for now. Once people know it takes the fun out of it because they want to make it happen and they want to interfere and it becomes stressful. I'm just enjoying the fun of having it as a little secret. It's funny, I don't get crushes very often and this one was very unexpected. Ah life. 

Feb. 25th, 2010


(no subject)

In my hung-over state today I've been doing a lot of thinking. Thinking about who I am. What I'm doing. For the first time in a long time I feel good. I feel like me. I feel like I know who I am. I know what I want. Well... as much as anyone can know these things. I'm sitiing here in a dressing gown watching my incense burn down and I'm comfortable. Sure I'm not perfect, my room is a mess, I have work I haven't done and hell I'm still a million miles away from finding a man, but I'm ok with that because when I look around me I have everything I need. I've been screwed around by "friends" and rejected by men but I'm starting to see that I have an amazing group of people around me right now. I don't know what will happen tomorrow, I don't know who I can really rely on, nobody can predict who is waiting for a chance to screw them over but I feel safe, I feel prepared for it because I'm sure I've been through worse and I'm damn sure still breathing.

Feb. 19th, 2010


(no subject)

My self-esteem is so low right now. It's never particularly high but it's rock-bottom right now. I just spent half an hour putting on make-up so I could look in the mirror and think maybe I looked ok. But I just look ridiculous. I'm not even going anywhere. Its 1.30am and now I just have to wash it all off to go to bed. 
I think there's only one person who would know what to say to make me feel better but I know they aren't around for comforting the likes of me right now so I'll just have to sit tight. 
I will update on the drama that is my life tomorrow. Maybe.

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